The Forgotten Apology in Spirituality

Just sharing a page from my old journal, which kind of changed the way I talk to my parents forever.

– – – – –

Doing something you’ve never done before, makes you realize a million things, isn’t it? I’m ‘cooking’ here. The majority of my memory about mom would be ‘her in the kitchen cooking’. While we used to play, study, watch TV, sleep, rest…etc, she was in the kitchen cooking. On a normal day, for a family of 5, making 3 meals a day, each meal consists of 2 to 5 dishes, in between at least 2 drinks. She did this 7 days a week. Cooking is not that easy for a housewife who didn’t have a maid to help with other chores. She could’ve done the bare minimum. But she thought of our health and spend time cooking healthy food. The pitiest thing is, she never got any time to take care of herself. She knew all those beauty tips to share with me and my sister, but never to apply them for herself.

Many times when mom came to me for help, I used to say ‘I have to study, I’m tired, I’m busy…etc’ just to avoid helping out in the kitchen.

One day, while my mom was preparing dinner, my sister and I were laughing about something. She entered the room smiling and sat next to me, asking, “What are you guys laughing about?”.She simply came without washing her hands, and her hands were covered in wheat flour. She only wanted to participate in the conversation. She touched me unintentionally, which startled me and made me yell like a crazy dog. Her face shrunk. She sat quietly for a few seconds and left. I don’t recall feeling bad or offering an apology for this rude and insulting behavior.

Tonight while making Chapathi, with my hands full of wheat flour, I remembered this incident and started crying for being inconsiderate, selfish, and rude to my mom.

Those hands which handled me gently when I was a baby, I denied her touching me because she was a little grubby. I feel ashamed of myself.

I’m grateful for the sacrifices my parents made. I regret the things I said and did that hurt them. I could have been kinder.

I promise that I’ll help them live their life for themselves. I’ll help myself heal from these regrets by being kind and loving to them.

– – – – – – –

I remember, after writing this down, I was still crying. I couldn’t sleep. I called my mom and said, “I’m sorry I shouted at you for touching me with wheat flour in your hands” and the waterwork started. I was weeping.

Her tone changed from sleepy to worried in an instant. I was newly married and called her after 11 pm and cried about something to do with wheat flour.

Mom: “When did this happen, ma? I don’t remember.”

Me: “I was in 8th or 9th standard, I think”.

She laughed and said, “Ayyo, I don’t even remember that, It’s like a decade back. why are you crying about it now?”.

Me: “I was cooking today and I remembered this incident. I didn’t even apologize that day.”

The next few minutes of conversations went with her consoling me.

Recently I came across this page and felt the urge to share it with you. This simple incident helped me realize two valuable things.

1. Often time we assume that being a close relative gives us a green signal to speak our minds without first turning them into kind words.