The Last Breath

One day, I will be gone… gone forever. In that final moment when I breathe my last, what would be on my mind? Who would be in front of my eyes? What would be my heart’s desire?

After many long years of ruminating over these questions, now when they try to strangle me, my mind shoots back the answers readily. Crisp and clear like a blue lake on a sunny day because finally by Swamiji’s Grace, my soul has discovered its destination and there’s no doubt left, whatsoever. But then, all of this sounds consoling only when death is at a distance, like that final exam a few months away for which I assume I can prepare well.

Sadly, thats not how the Lord of Death operates. He never sends any notifications in advance. With such great technology available at fingertips, why can’t he just text or email us before coming? I wonder! Maybe, then we could arrange a grand welcome for him with a buffet of delicious dishes and the most exotic wines. And perhaps, he would also get some relief from watching the expressions of shock and agony on the faces of those he drags back to hell (the ones going to heaven would be happy, I assume). Though still an extremely sad affair (all credits to the trap of earthly attachments) , it would be more like a bidaai(daughter’s send-off at marriage).

Anyways, no point indulging in such whimsical thinking over Death… It is a matter of grave concern after all! And its not like Yamraj (God of Death) is gonna read my post and upgrade his ways. Sigh!

The only certainty about death is its uncertainty. It is this unpleasant truth that scares the hell out of me and propels me to prepare myself well for the eventuality. In a sane mind when all is well, I may happily think that I would breathe my last chanting His names, meditating on His form, smiling with contentment and brimming with gratitude for the blessed life I got to live.

Looking at the faces of my loved ones, I would experience deep love in my heart but no pain or fear of separation. The moments I spent with them, the laughs we laughed together and the tears we cried together are all very precious and I would be thankful for them but also understand that they were limited and the quota is now over. I desire them no more. I only pray for my sweet Lord to come and take me Home to my permanent abode at His Divine Feet. May I merge unto Him and never ever get an individual existence hereafter. All I seek now is the Eternal Union. May the end of this body be the end of the long separation since ages.

Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Smooth like butter and happy like butterflies! But here comes the big question continuously worrying me deep within, ‘Will I be able to make this perfect plan successful?’ Honestly, I don’t know. How can I dare to believe that the silly, stupid girl who tumbles over like a paper boat in almost all rainy days, will sail straight into the other world with a peaceful smile when life bids her goodbye ? I can’t. And that’s why I call out to Him desperately to take control of my rocking boat and steer me towards His secret island of unparalleled beauty.

Faith and hope is all I rely on, because I know that He is listening to my fervent prayers and smiling.

His smile gives me confidence, cheers me up and I start working on the final preparations most diligently. Trying to be alert and mindful each moment, taking stock of every mundane desire as it arises and attempting to either nip it in the bud or fulfil it with detachment and the understanding that if it doesn’t materialise, no big deal. Basically, no obsession over anything.

The other day, I was invaded by a desire for an ‘OM’ inscribed ring and immediately started browsing for designs over the internet. After a few minutes on regaining my senses, I told myself ‘ Its just another wish Kirtee. Not that when you die, you will be allowed to carry this ring with you because it has an OM on it. Stop this frantic search, drop this futile desire instead of allowing it to grow and devour your time and senses. If someday you find an appealing one, fine. Else, you are doing fine already! Why bother? ‘ And I dropped the desire right there (with a thud loud enough to thrust my mind into blissful silence for the following few minutes !) and immersed myself in the arduous preparation towards realisation of my biggest desire by chanting His names.

Although I can place a hand on my heart and say that I am trying my best, honestly the thought of an abrupt unexpected ending always bothers me.

What if… one day while crossing the road, I spot a Naturals ice-cream parlour and rush towards it with tender coconut on my mind only to meet with a fatal accident ? Will I have to be reborn  just for that ice-cream which was a fleeting petty desire? Isn’t that scary? I don’t think there can be any respite from this dreadful fear until my mind remains on high alert and bereft of all desires at all times. And I very well  understand it is a tough mountain to climb where I am moving up one inch at a time, and sliding down several feet many a times. Yes, thats the harsh reality. It is beyond me to conquer, so I take refuge at Your Lotus Feet and pray You to be my guide always. 

Under Your cool shade, I will keep working tirelessly …moment by moment, thought after thought, desire after desire until this flickering mind steadfastly establishes itself in You forever! This journey that has started by Your Grace will also end by Your Grace alone. How and when to take away this life is nothing more than a child’s play for You, my Lord. Still, in all my ignorance, I plead You to infuse me with Divine love and devotion well ahead of  the final moments when You come to carry me back Home.

Itna tu karna Swami jab prann tan se nikle… 
Govind naam lekar fir prann tan se nikle…