The Narcissist-3

I offer my obeisance to you Rev. Sri. Sri. Om Swamiji. Wishing you good health, love and peace 🙏 Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share the most dense bit of my life story here . Would not have been possible without your support🙏 For even while I pen down this phase I am actually opening up to joining the dots more clearly.
My humble gratitude feel please accept🙏🕉

Part one of the series here

Part two of the series here

At any given point,  an enigmatic environment during a child’s upbringing or in the later stages an equally negative or dark company  one chooses to be in , only leads to the worst nerve wrecking rather crippled situations . 

The physical and mental torture only grew by the day….

Each time the reason my so called husband  kept giving was that his family was pressurising him to get rid of me and his helplessness was in turn giving rise to all the frustrations that he vented on me.

Though every day I was always working hard  with him to figure out that if monetarily the  situation gets better the family would change their behaviour for good. But we never had the decent amount of finances to start up a business .

One day he took me out for a long ride on the scooter to Dehradun, my little son could not accompany me as there was a rule that the other kids in the family would feel offended. So I had to sacrifice many such moments where  I had to confine my son and leave him with the family if at all I had  to go out with him.

At Dehradoon, he took me to a nice restaurant and we were enjoying the me time . Suddenly he reminded me of the piece of my mother’s jewelry which very dear to my heart  and I had saved as it as her cherished memory with me all the time.

Further elaborating giving a bigger picture of his plans he mentioned we could take a loan and start a big business, but for that he needed initial amount of down payment.

“I shall buy you enough gold once my business takes off”, he  assured me politely.  “And enough of you staying in the house all the time, your participation in the business would be required. You have faced so much and I will make sure that you don’t have to see this kind of time anymore. When I am not around you will be equipped to handle the business well too” he sounded genuine. I looked at him in awe for it truly felt he cared so much, how could I doubt his trust?

It felt so good that finally I too would be using my abilities and constructive time in the business.

Eventually I gave in, influenced by his genuine plans which were soon  going to materialise by a little effort from my side for everyone’s betterment.

And I sold the jewelry piece, with the thought that Mom’s Blessings would still work in this new venture .

And thus  he entered into the big business world.

“ This could not have been possible without your help”, he thanked me. I was happy for him.

Celebration Time:

I was part of the celebration with the family  and we did some pooja and prayers once the factory outlet started. And that’s it. I was never after that approached by him to even get to know how things run in the business leave aside even accompany him. . The family just conveniently took over and his brother, and mother would handle stuff whenever he needed help.

I continued to live with the set rules of restrictions. Staying indoors most of the time, looking after the family affairs, chores and my child .  And if he saw any little objection coming from my side he wouldn’t spare a moment getting abusive. So to avoid much embarrassment and humiliation I would remain quiet.

Time flew, it was almost two years in that big struggle staying in that tiny room. Life felt like a slave and I knew that I was treated like a misfit there.

I was now expecting my second baby and this time I was sure and firm mentally that I would move out of the place as soon as my baby is born . I was prepared to face the consequences and desperate to break free from those four walls and the day to day verbal toxicity of the family. For no moment was spared to put me down in front of guests or relatives too.

1988 The joy of my life arrived …

I gave birth to a sweet baby girl. And soon after her birth we shifted to a one bedroom flat. And all hell broke loose. My mother in law and sister in laws were all upset with our moving out. I became the biggest culprit for them who has separated their son and brother . I was loaded with curses and blames .

They eventually now sought to all other kinds of means, and my so called husband would now go and stay with them , and would barely be with me or the kids. No amount of understanding could stop him from being reasonably present with the kids. At times his mother and sisters would come to our place in his absence put up a big drama of stressing their son’s life and then to make things more worse forcibly snatch my kids and take them to their house. It became so traumatic that one fine day I realised I had to be brave and take a stand when it came to my kids. This is not a life I want them to see each day, full of filth and unending drama.

Once I revolted the family stepped back.

How it all finally started to effect me…

Life became more of a battle.  I used to get nightmares of the incidents that I faced at his hands and his family. How much can one endure! What wrong have a I done? I prayed to God to save me from all this.

In the meanwhile the business took off well.  But even though the earnings got better the man was never in a mood to part with  it. Just the basic necessities of the house were catered to. His lavishness revolved just around him. He would now go on long vacations abroad with his friends, every six months ( Hong Kong, Bangkok, U.S.) lying many times that they were business trips and that  I needed  to cooperate as he is only working for the betterment of us.

A week abroad would then get extended for a month or more. For my daily expense he had assigned his brother or his nephew ( a young child of 13 years) to pay me a small amount each day. So now, I was dependent on not only him but his family too for my daily needs. It was really embarrassing and humiliating that I was like a mere obligated stranger for all of them. Once back from the trips he would flaunt the pictures to his family and friends of how he enjoyed his trips.  I would realise how conveniently he is leading his life his way. Also made me wonder, where was he getting all the money from? 

Almost 5 years of marriage I kept going the way life came . Never understood what the motive or purpose behind his attitude was. For I had so much constructive to do and to raise my kids properly rather than think of his corrupt mind games. 

We ( me and my kids) were just given to do with a basic room furniture i.e. a bed and couple of folding chairs. No television , no refrigerator, no washing machine. It felt  sad for the kids where their father was so heartless a man who inspite of having to afford everything kept them deprived of even the necessary things.

It did bother me too, as the hot summers I would provide my kids cool water from the earthen pot to quench their thirst.

“ Mom why do we not have a fridge?” my son would ask at times.

“Very soon we would have one beta”, I would cuddle and pacify him.

“Mom get a small tv so I can watch Tom and Jerry “ he would sweetly insist.

“We will beta, very soon!” But that period did not arrive till the time he turned six years of age. It was not easy turning him down . And during this span of 6 years there were end no of travels of their father abroad for some random business trips and vacations.

Once back he would now call his family members and friends often and I would feel happy thinking all is peaceful , but only to realise that I had to keep cooking the whole day for all without help. My body and mind were working 24×7 like a clock with so much going on  and how this ticking crept and effected my system , I never realised.

Deep down I was content that I  could now do my prayers, I could meet people in the new area I was in. I put in all my efforts and my kids now started going to the best school which was a big thing for me .

But also within I would remain in a dilemma of why the support of my husband was so superficial. At times I would actually sit down and think, if something is wrong with me in imagining about his way of projection. . It was a harsh reality I was not coming to terms with. At one time he would be very loving and the very next day would be like a maniac. At one point he would be very doting towards the kids, and then there were times he wouldn’t show up for days after a showdown . The worst was inspite of the business doing extremely well , he had this weird habit of postponing and not  pay up the schools fees of the kids. Whereas on the other hand he was paying up well for his sister’s kids and looking after their needs.

Only when there would be a letter of ultimate reminder given to my kids from the school would he pay up.

Since the time we started staying in a decent area, it was a  sheer delight and big change for me to finally meet good people as my neighbours. He felt a bit uneasy when he would see decent friends come over to our place to meet me and pretended to put across his best behaviour possible to grab attention from others, esp. when he would come to know that they are from affluent backdrop. 

There is a saying that demeaning habits runs in your digestion , so when you feed it with organic herbs of decency and class it would suffer indigestion. Such was his personality . Very soon some of my friends who stayed just next door to our flat overheard him hurling abuses and beating me up . It would get embarrassing for me  as to how to face them.

Many even  thought he was a drunkard . There were times I had to hide my bruises and that meant not stepping out and requesting my friends to drop the kids at the school bust stop. I knew I was in a bad mess. Sometimes I would sit and wonder why he is torturing me so much. Everything is well regarding his work so why this behaviour? There was no way out.

For me, the very thought that  of me being  for my kids kept me going.

One day early morning we were having breakfast , clueless of what’s round the corner , as the man was being too sweet and nice and we were speaking on the plans of a new business project in Rishikesh. He was now wanting to dispose the factory and start his work in jewelry and handicrafts .

Suddenly his whole family showed up at our place . They all ganged up against me to pack the bags and shift to Rishikesh and now stay with them. Without any idea of what was going on, I did react saying it was not possible .

Shockingly the man got up and started breaking the things of the house , and beat me in front of his sisters and their kids. And after a few mins all of them left .

The house was in a mess.. my little  kids were so scared that they hid in the other room…

No sooner after the family left, the man fell at my feet, “I don’t know what happened to me.. “ Let me help you clean the room” he started to pick up the broken artefact pieces. I stood in one corner lifeless and clueless with a cut and swollen lump on my forehead.

“Please forgive me, how could I hurt you so badly? “O you have a big lump on your forehead and it’s bleeding too, let me take you to the doctor”, he was almost choking . The house was in a mess…In that state, seeing his reaction, I felt sad for him. Is he so helpless? Is the family driving him mad? A while ago he was perfectly alright with me, but as soon as his family arrived he turned otherwise!

That evening he sat down and went on to explain how things would be great for our children, if we shifted to Rishikesh.  “ Initially just stay for a few months and I promise to buy an apartment for you soon”. He kept insisting. “I promise to behave myself and never hurt you”.

He went ahead and ordered food and kept pampering me for the rest of the week with some surprises full of gifts and joyful time. It felt like a big change a big relief and seemed the good old days of when I met him were back. Strange but true, we were both die hard romantics.

I had no idea what to do with this unexpected endearments and attention.It took me back to the moments when we initially got together.

I reasoned enough with myself, pondered many times, having sailed through this long with him through all the trials and rare good moments ,  whatever my decision of failures were in choosing to be with him, I knew I gave it my best shot.

The kids deserved my patience and maybe it would be worth to take this plunge. Another decision for good, as the only thing that crossed my mind at that point in time was  I would not want to sit down and regret not trusting  and  moving on to seeing the brighter side. With children, and as a parent it was my  responsibility to make adjustments for good.

I did believe him and gave up. And was it  really brighter out there? 

The big shift for good  from Haridwar to Rishikesh had more revelations for me ..to be continued…

I would thank you all my OS family for your precious time and patience in reading my posts of these series… there is more to it eventually as it unfolds… I can only speak for myself here with my experiences…it was not easy at all.. I was saved at every step by the Divine and I knew He would always take care of me… but sometimes we as humans just go overboard testing ourselves …

May you all be Blessed with peace, love and good health. 

Jai Sri Hari🙏🕉

Siddhika Umesh