The Narcissist Abuser -2

I Offer my obeisance to you Rev. Sri. Sri. Om Swamiji🙏🕉wishing you good health and peace🙏🕉

You can read the earlier post part 1 here. 

Hardly a month passed with the man I decided to spend the rest of my life with. We were like an ideal couple ready to go to any extent in making things work with deep love and understanding. To keep everyone happy in the family and understanding each one’s problem, to create a smiling atmosphere even though at times it was despairing for me and I was almost on the verge of collapsing many times I learnt to cope with all the circumstances I chose for myself . I thought we as a pair were doing our best.

Slowly my man resigned quietly and I did not even realise that. So everything now lay  rested on my shoulders. I was so innocent that I barely realised that I have to cater to much of the responsibilities of not just chores but dealing with emotional problems of the family members too. Dealing with their emotions was quite a nightmare. 

Every morning it was a routine to wake up to loud noises, as the family had loud and big throats that they would exercise clearing it on each other. Initially I felt it was maybe for a couple of days , but soon realised that it was a pattern they loved to create every morning whilst having their tea. Random conversations of neighbours or friends , and how they had earned so well and who owned a big bungalow etc etc. would turn so ugly that they would start eventually hitting on each other . It would further lead to throwing household utensils on the wall or floor to  breaking anything that they would lay hands on and the whole area would echo with their snarling . The place was an old ashram, typical chawl like atmosphere where even people residing in it were equally having the same patterns and  ways of living. So the neighbors would gather and enjoy the drama from outside. I felt it was the most comfortable place for all of them and this attitude was part of their entertainment to push and enjoy life each day.

I would hold my breath and sulk in one corner and watch all those ugly moments , for it was just a single room with 11 people of the family. Where do you go? So had no choice but to witness and allow my ears to ache with their  high pitches as a daily dose . All my dreams where I was told by my so called husband that his  was the best family now appeared like mere puffed and scattered clouds .

Whenever he ( the husband) saw me in one corner observing all this  he would shrug his shoulders from the other end and pass me  a  helpless  look projecting , that he never was aware of it himself. Laters he would explain to me that he was the only one trying to create peace for years in the family and hoped one fine day it would all be fine as soon as his earnings got better and with a decent place to stay for everyone. I believed him totally.

What was difficult to understand was with every passing day how to keep everyone happy, be it him or his family . It all seemed to get more challenging by the day. It was a very unhappy family. 

Barely overcoming  my own confusion I could not relate and understand  why this man was not earning a livelihood. His younger brother who was just a year younger was even worst than him. Out of his four sisters only one was properly settled though she kept interfering into family matters even after marriage, the elder one was staying with us with her two kids and out of the rest of the two, one was doing a job as a nurse and the youngest one was in school. His father with due respects used to sit on the outside pavement and repaired watches. He was asthmatic and many a times found it difficult to even sit for his work. It was a very dicey situation as we were not sure where the next meal  for the family would come from. And both the sons had this excuse that they are going to do their business soon .

Eventually after a couple of months my so called husband managed to open a video library out of the money in my bank account which was around Rs.30,000 . I was not aware of it as it was deposited in my account by my dear late father. Though not too much but atleast he got working.

My role was to help in the household chores esp cooking. I did manage well with everything . Though I was always scared of my mother in laws sarcastic comments ,” Maa Baap  ne kuch nahi sikhyaa kya?” Aur kuch nahi kuch tau le aati apne ghar se( did your  Mother and father never ever trained you? At least could have got something from your home ). So even the very feeling that my parents respect  and name would be dragged  I would do all the chores with extra hard effort.  But  there is a  saying that unhealthy sarcasm resides and flares in its identical environment that is , in an unhealthy mind and I became the easy target of it by most of them. Sometimes I did wish that my so called husband atleast should take a stand for me which was never the case.

The weird bit was , we hardly could get the opportunity to speak together like a normal couple( as we were not permitted even  to sit together ) Only when we went out of the house for a walk I could speak my heart out and one day politely asked him to take a stand for me atleast when required.

“One thing keep it in your mind, you are not to utter a single word against anyone, I do watch everything, and I am capable of handling everything. Don’t try to ever teach me, I like your quietness and I know you are doing your best, I can see that so let me handle and speak on your behalf if that be the case if anything gets worse. I know sometimes my mother and sisters do go overboard but they are all elder to you so don’t give much of a thought to it.  You know the best quality I like in you is that you do not utter anything and manage it well. I am always there for you” he showed his love but was very stern in his tone.

I knew it was my family and I had to put my heart and soul for everyone’s betterment . Good thought, but sometimes I could not understand whether they loved me or they resented my being there.

The business went on well, all the while the brothers would sit at home, eat and rest and offer latest movie cassettes to the clients who would randomly knock the door anytime of the day and chitchat and peep in the house without any permission. There was no privacy and it being a small town (Haridwar) many of them knew each other and the so called man never had a problem, as gossip was a good time pass.

A good year passed somehow amidst all the chaotic life I was now pregnant. Pregnancy was  a period of joy  for me. I kept myself happy thinking that I have my so called man with me, and a family.

Strange as it may sound I yet again  lacked in understanding how he always excused himself from getting anything to eat for me even when I had strong  cravings. He would give all kind of reasons that it would not be fair on others in the family as they too would like to have what I would be having . And he would not like to spend so much. So best was to not get anything altogether .

I really had to gulp down my emotions of hunger each day and for all the nine months and do with just the basic food of dal rice and vege. Yes, their were moments of tears… tears of not able to buy and have even basic fruits or  milk.

Soon my son was born. He was a cesarean baby. It was not an easy delivery as I had to be rushed to the emergency with some complications where my life and my baby’s life was at stake.

I was in severe pain even after the delivery and I still remember when I saw my son I could barely able to  get up and even hold him. Moreover I was not allowed to meet my so called husband. The family ( my mother in law and sister in law ) had send him home to take rest. The next day I saw him he just smiled from the entrance of the hospital room , faintly asked how I was feeling and left . A week in the hospital , I would not get my lunch or dinner on time ( used to come from home so only when it was ready for the family it was then sent ) sometimes I just managed to order tea from the hospital canteen , requesting the nurse and kill my hunger .

Nothing seemed right, and every time I felt why was I finding it difficult to understand each one reacting this way. For even once back home hardly after a week I was doing all my chores to washing the clothes to cleaning with my stitches still not healed. I fell sick and was hospitalised again.

Since my mother in laws house was far from the hospital , we hired a small flat near to the hospital till the time I did not get better.

A month later I heard my so called husband discussing some business perspectives on the phone with one of his sister but he never mentioned anything to  me. Eventually I was cut away from lot of family discussions for reasons best known to them.

The next couple of days my sister-in-law came with one of her friends  and entered the kitchen to make some  tea. Since I was busy cleaning, I heard my so called man call me out loud, “ Can’t you see there is didi’s friend is home, you need to know how to behave with guests”.

I looked at him a bit shocked, “I thought didi was in the kitchen already making tea, I really don’t understand why are you so vexed”.

“How dare you disrespect any of us, what do you think of yourself? This attitude of your parents house is not going to work here? hurling all kinds of abuses he got up furiously from his chair, came right up to my face and slapped me”.

Before I could even understand anything I saw myself on the floor, and even before I could  get up he again hit me on my head. It was the most shocking moment for me. The sister in law and her friend didn’t even stop him. She left with her friend hurriedly saying, “I never liked her in the first place, now I feel sad for you my brother that you have to face her daily. These kind of girls of rich families need to be taught well and put in their place. I am leaving now”. 

I was totally dazed, and my mind was not able to comprehend why this man hit me. I got up with great difficulty as I was hurt badly on the ear. What kind of life is this… I cried unconsolably. My little baby was fast asleep, as I looked at his innocent cute face… “what kind of fate I have given to you my child”..

After sometime the man entered my room. “ Did I hurt you badly! I don’t know what went wrong with me, there is so much pressure of the new business I am working for. It’s for our betterment and Didi is supposed to acquire some money from her friend for me. I hope you understand and know that I love you dearly…please forget about this incident…”

A certain thought plagued my mind…Was I digging a pit or already living in it? was I rightly figuring out my life or heading for something dense…??

To be continued…

Sharing this phase of my story has a purpose. It’s rather chaotic to understand and sometimes even join the dots of a complex human nature without ethics. It’s double the risk when virtues like discipline , values can be  gripped maliciously and fall prey to a vicious and crafty mind. Only our wisdom to choose right matters depending on the learnings from our own experiences to get out of such a messy life. 

Thank you my OS family for your time and patience in reading the post. Sri Hari Bless all with good health 🙏

Peace and love

Siddhika Umesh

pic courtesy: fine art America