The Search

All my life I have been searching for something. Looking for something to fill a deep void within. To forget the loneliness I felt, I would spend hours with friends, talking, having fun, teasing, but at the end of the day, that loneliness alone would be my companion.
I thought that finding my “soulmate” would complete me. The picture would be complete when the missing piece of jigsaw could come and fit in. But there seemed to be no perfect “soulmate”. When the other person had their own expectations out of me, which I couldn’t meet, how could it be a complete picture?
An outing with friends seemed fun to start with, but I wasn’t really enjoying the way everyone seemed to enjoy. In the midst of a party, I was still alone. Every movie I watched seemed to be have the perfect ending, everyone was happy and complete, but when it ended, I was still the same old lonely me. Listening to music was soothing, but I felt the same longing in my heart that the singer was singing about. I understood their pain, but who would apply balm to our wounded souls?
When I found my partner in life, my better half, I thought that maybe my search is over. Now my life would be complete. As the honeymoon phase ended, I crash-landed back to reality. I was still the same. Nothing had changed. Except perhaps a few more responsibilities added on. A few more expectations I was supposed to live upto. The void in me was still the same. In fact, I felt more frustrated because my own expectations which I expected my partner to fulfil, had been dumped into the trash can.
Then came the experience of motherhood. What was supposed to be a divine experience, made me feel like I was a devil. The sleepless nights spent feeding, and changing clothes made me so irritable and angry. Very far from divinity in all respects. I wondered if something was actually wrong in me. Why wasn’t I feeling happy and satisfied like every mother was supposed to feel? I felt like my own existence was being sucked away in the needs of my new born. Was this what motherhood is about? To sacrifice everything you have for the sake of a helpless baby, for whom you are the whole world? There seemed to be no space for me in my world anymore, it was all taken up by my child!!! Far from complete, I felt disillusioned. Everything I had expected would complete me, fill that void in me had done nothing but make me feel more incomplete, more inadequate than ever before.
Friends, family, a decent job…I had everything one could dream of. To an outsider, my life would have seemed a paradise of perfection. But the feeling I had inside me was far from that. I didn’t know or understanding what was missing. Without knowing what it was, what could I look for? Reading spiritual biographies made me want to just leave everything I had behind me and run away. Run away from myself. But that didn’t seem to be the right solution. If what I was searching for was within me only, I couldn’t find it by running away from me. Besides, I had brought my children into the world. And to forget my responsibilities to them, my husband, my parents, would be an unpardonable act on my part.
And so it happened that as I was blundering through my life searching for something somewhere, crying for help that I stumbled and landed at Swamiji’s feet. Not literally. I read his books. His blogs. Watched his videos. His knowledge made me see things through different eyes. I understood life and myself in a way I had never before understood.
Now I am found. My search hasn’t ended. But at least I have understood where to search. At least, I have found a path!!! And I have just taken a few baby steps into it. Now that I have found guidance from Swamiji and a beautiful community of brothers and sisters, life doesn’t seem empty any more. The Void will be there, because we are all nothing but the Void. Now the journey seems to be joyous as you are here to help me, encourage me along. Thank you all for finding me ☺️