To Be Truly Independent

Happy 75th Indian Independence Day to everyone! It brings nostalgic memories of school functions, we used to get ready in our perfect white uniforms, spotless shoes and parted hairs for the flag hoisting and the cultural events. The laddoos & snacks packets were eagerly awaited. Those were carefree days!

Today, I am writing to share a deep discussion I had with one of my dear friends, trying to check on me for not repeating past mistakes. We are so blessed to have such true friends in life. I really mean it, if you have collected one or two of such gems, keep them safe in your hearts wherever you go. My friend got married this year and was sharing how life has taken a different turn. I will change the personal conversation into a 3rd person’s view, it is now a learning for me.

What are we seeking in our partners?

Wrong, the very idea of seeking something in another person in life is going to sink your boat one day. If you believe that your partner can compensate for your shortcomings, like financial decision making, taking your life decisions and driving your life forward; then think about all the households who lost the breadwinner of the family and now the spouse is left on her/his own feet to run the family. The idea is not to become complacent in the comfort of your partner’s strengths. Instead, support each other in every aspect and do not step over each other. The fathers in the family, if they never paid heed to household chores or looking after the children’ school activities, will maybe have a challenging time raising kids alone. If the mothers never managed finances, depended on the partner to earn and support the household bills and purchases, will find themselves helpless in the event of absence of the father. Please take this just as an example, the roles and duties can be reversed.

A good marriage or partnership

When you are bringing more to the table than you expect, it is a good match. Now hope the other person believes the same! If all your life you had some struggles and are now hoping the partner will fit perfectly in the puzzle and take away those struggles from your life, you are in for a big shock. Guess what, the partner themselves has responsibilities to take care of and can not spend all life working on your shortcomings. If one of the partner is very idle in life, has no ambitions and is just enjoying time sitting at home (after coming back from office, or just being a house wife/husband) – the other partner will get exhausted sooner or later, catering to the needs and requirements to run the family. If you become so dependent on the partner, a bad spouse will very well exploit you (let us not go into the details of the possibilities). Stand on your feet, when you are ready to take care of your self financially (if not earning then having a degree or skill which will help you in life) then only go forward with having another person in your life. You do not need to exhaust the other person and turn the love into mere duties. It is when both work equally or in an understanding to achieve common life goals, that the partnership/marriage sails oceans!

Where do you see yourself currently? (Personal note)

I have had relationships that did not work as I would have liked them to. I rushed very soon, made myself available more than 100%. I took decisions to work on myself first and let go the scars and the bad memories. It is not always a bad ending, but you do need to completely get out of one to move on in life. Now move on does not mean start another relationship just like that. It will drain you out, as you have not worked on yourself. I realized things about myself and needed to focus on those. I told my friend that I am ready for another one, and that raised all alarms in my friend. Funny. That is how much my friend loves me. I have ambitions in my life and a vision of where I want to go, have I achieved all that? No. That is what my friend asked me to think about. I was getting driven emotionally yet again and investing beyond capacity. I had no clear idea of the other person’s feelings and was taking the care as love. It is true, for a being in need, I will go extra mile and when a soft corner is built in my heart – I get blindsided. I am ignoring my own ambitions and state in life and going after a sinking boat thinking it is my responsibility to mend the storm beaten boat. The care and love is genuine, but it is the wrong idea of love that I would be pursuing. It is time to take a step back, not be driven into emotions and analyze it as a compassionate relationship and just that. At least for the moment.

I deserve all the happiness of the world that I can not even imagine. Yes, I want to focus on bringing myself above sea level and not acting like a lifesaver in the ocean. I do not want to keep settling for second-guesses. I want to empower myself, fulfill my ambitions. Take my life decisions and work towards achieving my life goals. It is okay to take inspiration and maybe suggestions here and there, but becoming totally dependent on somebody else for my emotional needs and affirmations in life is going to exhaust the person one day. It does not attract me towards another person, how will it attract somebody else towards me? It is just attachment and compulsive care or genuine helpful nature, it is not love for sure. Not the kind of love that one thinks will bring happiness into their life and will last long. 

I want to become strong, walking on my two feet and taking challenges head on, not rushing to a person at the sight of a road bump (or an ice berg, going back to my ocean analogy :P) I do not know what will happen a year down the road (across the ocean, lol) but I will be stronger and be at a stage where I am much more proud of my self. I would have fulfilled my short term goals and would be ready for long term commitments. If at that stage in life, I still find the very person around and see them fitting in the picture then maybe it is meant to be. For now, let me be truly independent of afflictions and attachments. Let me focus on me, work on my weaknesses, build new strengths, overcome the challenges from the past, be so empowered that my energy is itself sufficient to uplift me. I will stop seeking hidden signs of love in the bonds I make in life, as it will only bog me down while I dream of eternally loving myself and shower the love on my dear ones.