To Touch The Feet or Not

I had read Swamiji’s memoir as a chance happening years back… 2016-2017 may be.

Since last September, the urge to listen to His discourses on YouTube led me to re-read his memoir again. It was the memories of thoroughly enjoying reading his journey years back, made me read the book again. And just like that os.me happened… Black Lotus happened… few sadhanas (which were abandoned) happened, most of all Navratri of 2022 and Deepawali pooja using the Sadhana app happened.

I suggested the app to my father, who then suggested it to my sister. Both of whom were thrilled to have landed on such a wonderful app.

Reading blogs on os.me just became part of my life. Writing, an activity I love, on this platform emerged to be something I looked forward to. Not to forget the high I would get seeing the interactions and earnings.

Gradually I started being more mindful than before. Slowly I started being more patient with my past, with the hurtful experiences which constantly plays in my head.

I realized many things are beyond my control… But I can always work on bettering myself, on shedding my ego.

One incident which kept playing in my head for more than a year is how my younger cousin’s wife never showed respect to me by touching my feet. After all I am the elder sister-in-law. Even though words like does touching feet make any difference kept ringing in my head time and again. Even if she doesn’t show respect to me, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. My mind would also play out scenarios wherein I would question my aunt about why her bahu would not pay respect to me, but happily touch everyone else’s feet. Another part of mind would be like does this kind of forcing out of respect is what you actually need Neha?” GROW UP… Like really.

And yet, this cassette of me not being “respected enough” kept playing in my head.

This year, I wish to read more about Swamiji… His books, and books on HIM.

I chanced upon reading “Om Swami as We Know Him”. Here I was reading the section wherein Sadhvi Vrindaji is narrating how she just could not bring herself to bow to Swamiji. Below is the extract verbatim:

I even called out to Him in my head to turn back or ask me to bow to Him. But this isn’t Swami’ s way. In the end my ego won, and I stayed rooted to the spot till His fiery robe disappeared in the dark of the night.

Something in me just shifted. Here is a person who has witnessed Mother Divine, who has built companies and made money, who has transformed lives – Yet in spite of knowing what was going on in Sadhaviji’s mind, did not turn back or ask her to bow to HIM.

And then there is ME. With zero accomplishment of my own, with no control over my own thoughts… my own mind, nursing a wounded ego on how I should have been given respect because – beat this – I happened to be born few years before the girl who married my cousin. Just because I am elder, my craving for respect was so strong. What made it even stronger is the fact that, absence of such a gesture also meant I was seen as unworthy of respect.

As I read that passage of Sadhaviji, I was moved to pen down these thoughts.

I have never visited the ashram, never met Swamiji in person – Yet just listening to him and reading about him has made me question my pettiness.

Tying my self-worth to an act of obeisance is perhaps one of the most irrational and egoistic things I have done. I realized that gradually I am getting to understand all the shortcomings in me – shortcomings which have been garbed in the robe of a “normal reaction”.

Since the day, I started writing this post the agitation I felt earlier has calmed down. I would rather focus on my improvement than on such petty incidents.

Even now when I am about to share this post, part of me is embarrassed about my thought-process. I think doing things which make u feel embarrassed is perhaps the best way to get over that embarrassment. So here we go!!

Jai Shri Hari