Toast and Butter

I’m standing in the kitchen in front of the overused toaster.

It’s still dark out as I wake up early to appreciate the silence my small apartment is immersed in. I pay attention to the two slices of the homemade bread I bought a couple of days ago at the German Bakery down the street. Practicing mindfulness. It still surprises me that I live in the middle of nowhere and yet I can get gluten free loafs made to order just by placing a call. How magical is that?

I know it will take two/three clicks from the old toaster before the squares of bread will be the way I like them: almost burned. I am picky like that. I cut the crusts with the sharp green knife I washed last night and left on the sink to dry. I notice that it is way larger than it needs to be to spread butter and apricot jam. Definitely not a butter knife. I break the pieces in two and give one each to Rudra and Kalpana, the two adopted puppies that look at me with their blue begging eyes. They are masters at asking without speaking. They make me so mad when they bite my cold fingers with their tiny super sharp teeth. Aramse I tell them, slowly, but they ignore me. This simple gesture reminds me of the many times I have done the same exact thing for my previous dogs, the ones I left behind when I changed my life. I still woke up earlier than anyone else those long gone days: the silence the house was immersed in one of my favorite moments of the day. I did hate getting up at 6:00am though, I am not a morning person, after all. My brain way more productive at night. I still can see the orange counter in the middle of the modern American kitchen that looked like it had sparkles: I loved its look. How many things were on top of it! Grocery bags, cutting boards, trays, plates. Stuff that needed to be put away and no one wanted to do it, so it just stayed there.

I go back to the past often, just to revisit it and check if I have made peace with it. Some days are better than others. What could I have done differently I ask myself. Yes, I know there is no point in doing this. Take it as a “in reverse” kind of process, like the one we are asked to do at the end of the day in the Black Lotus App. Do you do it too? I certainly could have been a better mother, if not more patient at least more involved. I mean, when you are in the middle of it all you do the best you can to navigate the murky water, right? I am still doing these “navigations” these days, although my life has been catapulted in a complete different direction. That is with situations as they arise, with people as they come and go. With myself, my body getting oder, my mind getting… Wait, how is my mind getting? Come to think of it…Sharper, like a long bladed knife? Slower, a turtle in the race of life? Calmer, sea’s waves at dawn? Agitated, like turbulence at 10,ooo feet inside a full airplane? 

Alas, I was too involved with keeping my sanity, these long past days, without going into details because this isn’t the time or place to do so right now. I was too mentally exhausted, hence incapable of giving more than I already was. Was it enough, though? What can I do now to make things better, I often wonder.

So this is what I have learned to cope with life when things get tough. I am sharing ten points with you below, hoping that if you find yourself in difficult situations they will help you, too. 

• Everything has a beginning middle and end- this too shall pass, yes it will. 
• You have been through tough situations before and you have made it, that’s right! 
• In difficult times you are given a possibility to understand yourself and your purpose deeper, ever thought about this? 
• Ask yourself, “What is this experience bringing to the surface? Can you see it?
• Are you avoiding facing a part of you you’d rather not deal with?” Notice what comes up, then be courageous and take care of it 
• You don’t have to follow every thought your brain creates hello meditation!
• Allow yourself to go through the e-motion. It’s ok to feel what you feel. Be kind to you
• Take time to take care of you. Remember what brings you joy. Spend time doing the things you love 
• Don’t let others’negativity influence you. It’s not your responsibility to make everyone happy. Read this again
• Learn to set proper boundaries for yourself and others. Be clear with these to yourself first then to others 
• Don’t say Yes when you mean to say No. You can do it!      

And above all remind yourself over and over again that there is always .always. something to be grateful for. 

Thanks for reading ❤️