Touch: the Good, the Bad!

I offer my obeisance to you Rev. Sr. Sri. Om Swamiji 🙏🕉 Wishing you love, good health and peace.

Today I would like to take your permission to pen down this post.

This narration of my own experience of life has been on my list for a long but it kept taking a back seat because there were so many other personal curled-up life stories that were being shared by me here since this platform opened to us almost two years ago. 

With the passing months, I could see many posts on child abuse, physical/emotional and it pains my heart for what these young children have gone through. 

I would also like to take this opportunity and appreciate the strength of many authors on the os.me platform for pouring out their life amazing, spiritual, good, bad, worse, nightmarish/ abused be it sexually, emotionally, physically, so openly to the world. Each one’s contribution has, is and would be of immense help in motivating, inspiring and saving many lives, not only of the present but even future generations, to remain aware, truthful,  strong and fearlessly voice out if need be and seek necessary help when it comes to taking the right stand for oneself.

Abuse in any form must never ever be tolerated.

Sexual abuse how long is the origin…

It’s hard to say this, but for as long as humanity has been existing this has been taking place….

The bare it all stories can be heartbreaking, shady and dark … and the truth is many of us, if not all, have and are much aware of it…

I remember an incident while I was growing up. I was barely 8 years old. I and my family were all set for a wedding in Delhi. Excited about some near-distant relatives’ marriage (though I hardly knew any of them, except that they were my Parents’ far away relations and hence had to oblige) as it would be a fun change for us kids (me, my elder sister and younger brother ) from our city Calcutta for a week.

Whilst we got seated in the Rajdhani express, Mom like always, sweetly tried to coach us…

“Now listen to me carefully, three of you. You would be meeting a couple of aged uncles in the marriage, and all I want you is to say a proper namastey and leave immediately. No need to keep smiling if they smile and try to hold you guys, which they would. So just a warning, excuse yourself and leave’.

We, the three siblings, started to look at each other rather confused. Were we going for a fun marriage time or a cautious time?

And me being the silliest, just jumped on to ask, ‘But mumma what is wrong with those uncles?’

‘Do as I have instructed you, those uncles are weird and don’t have great habits, nor any control over their minds, and they are capable of holding or touching girls inappropriately. You have to understand the good and bad touch. Don’t mistake it as an elderly love’.

This was the kind of training that would be given to us wherever we went. It felt like counting every step of yours that taps the floor. Wonder where and how one feels safe! For it did make me think as a child who are these personalities like, against whom we are warned…

But they say once you are trained and made aware at a very young age, it then rubs on to you naturally. And hence later in life, when I became a parent, I realised that I, too, coached my kids the same way.

I do remember meeting those weird Uncles and I and my sister maintained almost 5-feet distance, cordially greeting them with Namaste. In fact, we did that with almost all our relatives out there. The best bit would be Mumma making sure, keeping an eye much of the time.

It’s tough when you think practically how safe a girl is… and toughest for the parents to constantly keep attending tens of other things and at the same time keep their mind ticking, holding a candlelight vigil on their daughters, protecting them from the so called family members.

Close encounter… 

This one time, I remember my closest Uncle had come for a few days at our place. It so happened that my parents went out for a movie together (it was a late-night show since Pappaji used to come home late by 8.30 pm and there would be no time for an outing with Mom esp) so we kids were left with the good Uncle who happened to be her own younger brother. At least we were in safe hands. Thank God for it. Mom made it a point to order good Chinese food so that we could enjoy time at home till the time she returned. My brother and sister slept early and I got busy reading some Dennis the Menace comics, waiting for my parents to come back.

My uncle was in the other room, he noticed that I was awake and asked for a glass of water. The moment I went and offered him water, he started to praise me (I was barely nine years at that time), my looks and my night dress and on the pretext, tried to touch its fabric weirdly. Thankfully the training of my Mom helped, and I  excused myself and left fuming. I had never seen this Uncle of mine putting forth such questions ever, for he always portrayed as a shy and reserve person .

Then he quietly followed me to the living room ( probably he had guessed that I was all set to blurt out everything to Mom and he would not be spared), asking why I was annoyed  and that he was just joking and then eventually changed his tone firmly and started to blackmail  me emotionally to not mention anything to my Mom ( his own sister, imagine! ) and that she ( my Mom)  would give me ( not him) a good firing or might whack me.  He literally tried to scare me so that I do not  speak out what he uttered a while ago. It was scary though to see this side of him, but I did not move from the couch and waited for my Parents to show up. I was very brave as a child

But it was indeed  a known fact that  my Mother’s persona was such and  she was highly looked upon and respected by all in her families for being the most firm, compassionate and caring and nobody would dare try to ever harm us. 

Finally when my Parents  came back they were a bit surprised to see me up so late. My Pappaji kissed me goodnight and went inside his room. But Mom before she could even approach me was lead into sweet sugary talks by her brother who started enquiring about the movie trying to divert her attention…

But I quickly ran up to my Mom caught hold of her hand and started to pull her into my room …She was quick enough to understand from my face that something was wrong as I rarely behaved that way. She said goodnight to her brother, and he turned away giving me weird looks .

Once in the room I narrated what her brother had uttered to me and then laters tried to scare me too. Mom hugged me tightly and said, ‘ I am glad you stayed away from him, but you should have just slapped him for talking to you  in such an absurd way. Don’t worry I am  here now beta, you go to sleep’. I could feel a sense of rage in her eyes. She was a very soft hearted person, but being a sports personality of her time ( Captain of Punjab hockey team) she also had a fierceness that ushered protectiveness when it came to her family.   

And of all I know is the very next morning she quietly left for a walk with her brother and he never came back with her. He was gone. My Mother just cut away all her ties with her brother.

Glad my parents were so firm and raised us to be so brave and aware.

Years flew by, but who held on to the memory…

But in later years when I was around 19 years of age having  lost both my Parents, Sister, nephew in a car accident and ( even this Uncle too who was with them in the trip ) . No sooner had the last rituals got over my Mom’s younger sister sat down with me and strangely started to enquire  about the incident from me about how the Uncle behaved with me. Sad but true she ( my Aunt ) is blessed with beautiful daughters herself …. but it felt rather insensitive on her part and for no rhyme or reason ,  to bring up an incident that probably was long done and dusted years ago, especially now when my dear Mother was no more. I was aghast by such sadistic attitude rolled out by my Aunt. But in every home we have such relatives who would pass their time indulging  in taking out the skin of every hair strand. Alas! who is to question the innate inhuman nature of someone that loves to reside in resentment and derive immense pleasure in pulling and demoralising the young ones. 

Being very quite by nature she thought I would sob and disagree and  out of respect I would take all that she hurled at me. But I firmly stood up and confronted her, ‘ what is it you want to know? Mom did brief you about it, right! and now that my parents are no more, instead of being compassionate you are disrespecting them and trying to prove me wrong whereas I know the truth. Do you or anyone in the family need to know anything please!  Face me and ask whatever straightaway. She just did not utter a word after that. But that’s how you have to silence insensitive people, or be prepared to allow them to get you. 

The least she could do was to just be warm in her words like a mother but instead she felt so entitled and comfortable convicting me and in proving that I  was responsible for the friction between my Mother and her brother. How insane is that kind of thought process!!

It’s such lack of empathy and unkind attitude that instigates and support the wrong doings in families to continue. On a serious note such people who side and cover up for the perpetrators also need counselling and mental coaching.

Elderly 100 years of advise…

Time flew, and when I became a parent, I was so similar to my Mother when it came to raising and grooming my kids.

I remember, this one time my Granny was sitting sweetly watching me send my 4 year old daughter to school . I was demonstrating to my little one to be careful from the conductor , driver or any stranger who might lure them with sweets etc. and to not accept anything and also not allow them to touch her inappropriately ( the difference between good and bad touch was being explained few times before she joined school ). My little innocent baby was hardly able to understand, but she cutely kept nodding to all  into a yes.

After she left for school and I got busy cooking breakfast. My

Granny came and stood by my side quietly and said .. ‘what makes you think that only girls are unsafe in this world’?

I was little baffled… ‘Maa ( I used address my Granny as Maa), would you like to share all that’s going on in your heart’.

She warmly held on to my shoulder and answered…‘During our times even the young little boys were unsafe’. There were so many cases of little ones who were sexually abused by some close relatives or a dear friend who would portray as family and do the heinous crime’.

She continued in one long stretch …. ‘Yes, its a modern world, could be a bit easy and relaxed to create awareness in children and bring about a change but maybe not too much. Lots have to be changed and groomed in families too. Hopefully with time people would gather courage to voice it and a shift might happen with complete support of family and community’.

She further added, ‘In our days women toiled very hard, looking after the massive big families and cooking for them was more than any other outside job . Sometimes women had to carry lunch for their husbands to the fields.  So much so that they were left with no choice but to trust anybody in the nearest family to take care of kids whilst they were away. Matter of fact is, in big families  children would also be unsafe’.

And when any such dark incident happened it was hushed behind doors because of social stigma .

‘So next time you train your little daughter make sure you make your little son sit down with her and then create this awareness’. She  sounded really serious and her expression on the face held thousand of such profound answers of wisdom that probably she wanted to pour out. She made so much sense to me and I can’t thank her enough till date.  I did manage to advocate both my son and daughter well enough. 

My journey as a Therapist and Counsellor…

In my entire life, as a Therapist and counsellor I have treated kids as young as 12 year old to adults of almost 75 years of age who have been sexually abused by more or less by someone in the family, by their cousins, step father, brother in law etc. and the women of the house kept shut because of the so called societal norms and keeping the secret of trauma just to themselves , suffocating with its thought all their lives. Strangely and shockingly some women of the family even after knowing what the child went  through kept silent, hushed the child  and never raised a voice or dared to raise a voice. This only validates lack of acceptance by the adults of home as it could hamper their prestige. 

It’s still a bit easy for someone to relate if an outsider has sexually abused the child, but if there is someone close in relationship to the child it makes it difficult for the child to then voice it.

But yes, when my clients, friends and relatives  sought help and got themselves treated. They have amazingly been leading a very confident and constructive life. In fact they are out there helping so many. 

In today’s world, help is just a call away, and professional help is available at all times that could help treat any deep post traumatic stress disorder.

Some of the vital points on what leads to child sexual abuse in our society …

Children having to  witness  conflict and violence  in the family.

History of a child not having a great relationship during childhood with their parents esp. their father.

The so called father figure having physical or financial accomplishment (thinking mighty or so full of himself  ) or having suppressed emotions and needs, sexually aggressive behaviour patterns towards the wife and irresponsible behaviour and neglect towards family.

Lack of time and lack of love by Parents , where kids feel neglected. 

 Disinhibited social engagement disorder.

The after effects that could have an after effect at times and why it’s vital to seek Professional help for the victim of sexual abuse:

The person/ victim would have high chances of not being able to cope with stress, to lead a normal life at times ,  get paranoid or may also suffer from eating disorders .

Self esteem and anger or doubt issues which may trigger emotional outbursts , and it could lead to a point where the person could end up harming himself/ herself.

Last but not the least ….Dissociation ( where you find it hard to remember what happened and you may also feel  that all that is surrounding you is pretty unreal and not connected to your body ).

Hence its important for Parents  to give a conducive environment to their children. Maintaining harmony and love towards the child at all times and even the more when they have been abused and so need your  support and care. It’s purely the parents attitude to being  open to accepting , believing and supporting and ensuring that their kids are safe , and to be compassionate if, they ( the kids) happen to fall into the trap of being brutally victimised.

Equally important is, for the Parents to seek professional help:

Seeking professional help is equally important for parents too, whose child is abused by a family member to face challenges and make the right decisions and take a firm stand for their child. For even the parents would be hit with mixed emotions of guilt, fear, depression, social stigma ( how to face the world), when your child has gone through sexual abuse. It’s also important to keep in mind that if timely action is delayed the person who offended may well continue to abuse, and your own child would still continue to suffer in fear of him and also some other child/ children may become victim if the abuser is hoovering around.  As a parent we can prevent such abusiveness from further taking place not in just the families but in the community at large, by bringing forth the abuser to admit, learn and recover  to not commit the crime further.

It feels sad and hard to see how in this gifted life our surroundings and environment is tampered by insanity of certain humans. Whom to trust and whom not to! I am thankful and admire my dear Mother’s teachings , support, care,  love and deeply respect the equally wise  heart to heart conversations imparted by my loving Grandmother which were so open and empowering .  Cautious is the word…we were, are and might be living amongst a section of creepy, pathetic known, unknown , mentally untreated , sadistic and conditioned  notorious people , with just an insane, devious intention in mind.

Only proper awareness, decent, quality  time shared with love and sensitivity with our dear loved  ones could save them from falling prey to such perpetrators.

A humble request to the families,  if their child has gone or goes  through this trauma, and youngsters who are still struggling within for years with guilt, shame and fear  … ‘It’s okay’… Open up, go seek help and lead and lend a brave hand to those who need help. Honour your life! Trust me, you would love life like never before .

Let me add a beautiful quote by Alexander Den Heijer that touched me so much.. 

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows , not the flower.”

Believe in yourself , you are amazing 🙏

Wishing love, peace, joy , harmony and praying that the world be a healed and evolved  planet mentally, physically and spiritually 🙏

Much Love  and Light surround all🙏

Jai Sri Hari 🕉🙏

Siddhika Umesh .