Tug of War

I have often come across this tug of war in my mind, when I can not decide whether to keep something to myself or to reach out to a friend. Before I go on, I know being aware, observing the mind and not letting it wander by training it; will solve all of the problems. In the meantime, while I get there, I have so many dilemmas to deal with. 

I am trying to get to the stage when I can deal with emotional distress and come back to my calm composure. As of now, my mind tries to drag me to it’s endless questions and possible scenarios. When I am feeling down, I find my mind wanting to talk to someone. I have this conditioning that our friends are here for us so that we can unload our stress and share what is bothering us in order to feel better. Then comes the white angel, telling me I do not need to bother my friends with my problems and deal with it on my own.

We talk so much about mental health and awareness that certain things gets to mind and I am caught in the neverending cycle of what is the right thing to do and what should be avoided. Take this post for example, if I am writing this to unload my mind, it is clear that I need to tame the mind and bring it out of such stray thoughts. I have this conditioning that I need to talk or share. If I come one step back from mental health to awareness, I believe I can very well reach a stage where I do not bottle up my feelings and the mind does not feel the urge to share or talk to someone. I may be very off when I am saying this, so please share your thoughts on this. Why do I, as a human, want to rely on another being’s support to lessen my sufferings? Even if I get out of the chain of thoughts or the stress I was bearing, I feel the need to share it with someone (it is the mind, I know). It is like seeking validation all the time. I had a problem in hand, I solved it all by myself, I came out of it and now I am sharing it with someone. What behaviour pattern is this?

Do I even want to come out of this? Maybe I am not aware yet. Being emotionally attached to friends, family, special someones and peers gives a feeling of comfort. They are your support system when you need external help and advice. How can one not rely on them? How can I make them believe that I still am close to them but not sharing my problems because I believe I can tackle them on my own. Or how do I convince my mind that I do not need to rely on others each time for emotional distress? Above all, how and when do I actually confide in people when I am really not able to take it?

Writing gives me some peace though, I journal at times, write it down when I can not speak to anyone in particular. I am too conservative when it comes to reaching out to people, on the flip side I am very encouraging when it comes to them needing something. I do not want to change that I am available for people, I do not want to shut off and go away from human interactions. I understand that humans need emotional support from their relations. I do not know how do I develop the same support when I am in need. I think too much before confiding in someone, I am stuck in ‘what if’ and ‘how do I’. I am unable to realize how much is okay for them, I do not want to cling to someone or bother somebody by my internal struggles. Now that I know if one is self aware and is able to center oneself, their emotional well being is far better and these questions disappear. I want to find my peace in those times when these mantras fail and the mind is too powerful to overcome.