Unconditional Love Vs. Conditional Love

• Do you listen to your child without interrupting?
• Do you talk about them behind their back?
• Do you judge them for their mistakes?

Sounds familiar? I connect with the above points as a child and, unfortunately, even as a mother. Unconditional love in parenting appeared to me as a challenging and controversial topic to pick up for my first round-up on parenting.

I am not a psychologist or a realized soul to teach how to be an unconditional parent. But I have been a child and have my share of memories. I am a parent raising a daughter walking on eggshells every morning to night. Like me, some parents, sons, and daughters have shared their perspectives and real-life experiences that I cover in this post.

Before we go deeper, I would like to share this video. It is a story of a 60-year-old woman, a victim of domestic violence but caring for her two sons, a living example of unconditional love; watch the video to experience it.

My tiny little experience of high in the video – “I am happy as long as my sons are happy. Everybody has ups and downs in their lives, right? (@1.19 in the video).”

Unconditional love is the foundation of our existence, yet it is often misunderstood. It is the most challenging emotion to achieve, and parenting is a precious blessing Mother Nature gives us to understand and experience it through our children.

Is there a better parenting approach? Maybe, read on to find out. Some of os.me member blogs helped shape my thoughts and bring about this article. Reading these articles, I only arrived at one conclusion; there is no straight answer.

1. What does being an orphan mean? By Ruchika Om Jain
   I am becoming a better mother as I am more sensitive to my teenage son’s emotional needs. I also now understand my responsibility of being more sensitive, attentive, approachable, and compassionate in every relationship I have or get into, whether it’s with known people or even strangers for that very matter. I also learned that no matter how religious I became, if I do not know how to deal with gentleness and compassion, my deeds are just meaningless actions. How do I stand in front of my God, If I cannot care the least for someone vulnerable God placed in my care?
2. Parenting – The Skillful Job by Rachana S
   I recall my childhood; it was just a few years back. No sooner than I observe my children growing, I realize that the world is changing, we are changing, and the era, too, is changing.
3. Parenting – The Children’s Way by Subhash Iyer
   Parenting is one of my favorite topics. As I watch my two children grow, I introspect, discuss, experiment, observe, come to conclusions and introspect again. Parenting is an extremely exciting aspect of my life. I enjoy every moment I spend with my children. As I watch them and make my notes and change my findings, I’ve observed some patterns which seem to work well. But before going into what works well, I’d like to share my thoughts on what is “well.”
4. My Parent’s Marriage by Nalin Bhatt
   I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Papa used to be away for work, but whenever he came, we witnessed fights and quarrels in our home. And to add to that, I was the one who got ground in those fights. I would be the mediator and the message conveyer. The ambiance of my home at those times became really toxic. I was a sensitive kid. It took a toll on me, and I formed certain wrong impressions about my father. And the equation between them has never changed for the last twenty years. But due to me and my deteriorating mental state and the problems our family members were facing, we got spiritually closer to each other. We finally understood the meaning of “unity is strength.”
5. Mothers and Their Unconditional Love by Isha
   Today Mum made heart-shaped corn cutlets for breakfast; I instantly asked her Mum, is it for Dad or me? She smiled and answered It’s for you (Dad fasts every Tuesday). Mum told me how she used to carve different shapes out of food to feed me as I was a stubborn child who refused to eat. I said Mum; it would be so exhausting and annoying for you to do all this along with managing other tasks, to which she replied with absolute ease No, not at all. I paused for a moment and stared at her with amazement because, as a 24-year-old, envisioning myself in her shoes now in 2022 seems like a lot of work.

Why is it more important than ever for parents to provide unconditional love?

NCBI published a peer study on “The Impact of Parental Styles on the Development of Psychological Complaints.” The study highlights two important results; please feel free to read the complete study.

• Research in this field suggests that individuals reared in Unconditional Positive Regard parental styles tend to present a higher self-concept. Due to this condition, those individuals could experience less vulnerability from negative internal or external cues.
• Individuals whose parents demonstrated support, affection, and responsiveness to their needs most of the time tend to be less sensitive to rejection. In the same way, they are also more inclined to see themselves as more competent and likable (Wearden, Peters, Berry, Barrowclough, & Liversidge, 2008). On the other hand, individuals with a higher sense of vulnerability tend to experience more psychological distress when exposed to negative internal or external cues.
• Individuals who were exposed to parental styles involving low levels of emotional warmth and high levels of inconsistent and punitive discipline demonstrated a higher probability of developing psychological complaints in the future, such as agoraphobia (Manicavasagar, Silove, Wagner, & Hadzi-Pavlovic, 1999), depression and anxiety (McGinn, Cukor, & Sanderson, 2005), low self-esteem (Schlette et al., 1998), somatic complaints (Lackner, Gudleski, & Blanchard, 2004), hostility (Muris, Meesters, Morren, & Moorman, 2004) and sleepiness (Brand, Hatzinger, Beck, & Holsboer-Trachsler, 2009).

Reading the experiences from a child’s and parent’s perspectives in the blogs above, I listed some pointers that can help the parents in this community get new insights.

• Unconditional love believes in your child’s potential and sees her/him as someone that can be at their best even though they are not there yet.
• Unconditional love does not judge but sees behavior as something that should be corrected, not criticized.
• Unconditional love does not punish or shame but sets consequences to imbibe self-control and responsibility.
• Unconditional love learns from our mistakes, forgives ourselves, and tries to make amends to restore our relationship with our child/ren.
• Unconditional love does not see the world as black and white but realizes that many grey areas often cloud our judgment of right and wrong, good and bad.
• Unconditional love does not judge or label but is compassionate and understanding. It is a willingness to accept others for who they are, even if we don’t agree with their actions or behaviors.

It can be challenging because it requires us to be present in the moment with another person and put our own needs on hold for a time so that we can focus on them instead. This self-sacrifice takes practice but can bring great rewards when done correctly.

Conclusion

Once my daughter (at that time five years old) and I got into a flight at 11.30 pm. With the brand new discovery of iPad she was exploring the tablet as soon as she got time from her busyness. We were buckled up and very excited; with those sweet baby teeth scantily showing in her upper jaw, she said, “Mumma, can I pleazzzzzz watch the iPad? I am sure I can handle and sleep in the morning.” I said, “ You can, but you may fall sick because sleeping on time is essential to be happy the next morning. You can try and see how it works for you.” Though she tried controlling and avoiding sleep, with red eyes, she finally slept late at night the travel. The next morning, she fell sick; thankfully, by then, we were home. We laughed together at her stupidity; I pampered her with hugs, medicine, comfort food, and plenty of rest. That’s how it has been between the two of us since then.

I arrived at an understanding and a perspective that brings me back every day to love my daughter unconditionally.

1. Practically I merely have 5 years which is 1825 days left with my daughter, when she is living with me day in and out: 1825 lovely breakfast mornings and warm, loving dinners.
2. 1825 mornings to wake her up with a hug and a kiss, 1825 story and music nights before putting her to bed.
3. Each of these 1825 days, I will be actively part of her life, witnessing her growing up, facing and overcoming challenges to become an adult. I want to call her my magic butterfly, which will fly away one day.

So here are my questions for you:

1. How do you express your unconditional love to your children when they bring you a situation that challenges your idea of wrongs/rights?
2. How do you practice unconditional love with your children?
3. How do your childhood experiences color your decisions in parenting (or do they?)