Unhealthy Relationships: What You Need is In You

Namaste! I offer my obeisance to the divine in you.

Relationships have increasingly been a complicated topic for our generation to deal with. There are more broken hearts than cheerful smiles in the society today. Unfortunately, the idea of love, for our generation primarily comes from movies/series/social media where everything is perfect, organized, and dreamy.

However, as soon as we come into the reality, we discover it’s entirely something else. We realize relationships take work, dedication and what not from both partners. It’s not just “we met, we fell in love, bought a lovely cottage in the mountains and it was a happy ending.”

I recently spoke to a friend on this topic, and she asked:

“Why am I not happy in my relationship?”

“Were you happy when you were single?” I asked.

“No”

“Then where’s the problem? Is it in that person or within you?”

When we are not in a relationship, there’s a constant longing to find someone “special,” and when we do find that person, and there’s even a minor discomfort, we constantly strive to “get out of it.”

This can be for multiple reasons, including a toxic partner or lack of emotional investment in the relationship. But the fundamental source of all suffering in any relationship is the lack of an inside-out approach.

The Inside-out approach says, “your outer world, all experiences, feelings, and emotions reflect your inner state. To make the world a better place, tune yourself to the rhythm of love, kindness, and joy”.

If you’ve carefully observed relationships, you’ll always find two kinds of people dating each other. I call them “The Handler” and “The Dangler.” One person (The Dangler) is constantly draining the emotional energy of the other (The Handler).

This can also be termed “toxic,” but it’s not a conscious decision they make; it’s their conditioning and how they’ve learnt to perceive life.

Growing up, a person who was not given adequate attention will always crave attention.

A person who was never treated right will continue to crave respect.

A person who never learnt to manage certain emotions would always crave a “Handler” they can lean on.

A person who was always made responsible since childhood would always crave a “Dangler” that can depend on them.

Handlers always think they can manage anything. They can manage their personal lives as well as the lives of their partners. Danglers, on the other hand, want somebody to lean on. They need somebody who can give them the proper attention, time, and care as and when they need it, which can be really overwhelming to some people.

If this is not fixed, relationships will always be a battle rather than teamwork. This is because the responsibility for “happiness” is always on the “other” person. We are rarely willing to fix ourselves, but we constantly wish to shape the other according to our needs.

As Om Swami Ji has pointed out in one of his stories, “When you stop needing, you attract.”

Because the idea here is to discover those same emotions within you by conscious effort, which will effectively end any external needs. So when somebody arrives in your life, you can add to their happiness and not drain them because you’re as balanced as they are.

You may be one of them or a balance of the two. I used to be the Handler, but I’ve started consciously working on myself to become a good partner.

After analyzing my relationships and the relationships of my friends as well as popular couples. I’ve derived a few ideas that can potentially help you break this pattern and lead a beautifully fulfilling relationship.

For Handlers:

·      Know that everything is not your responsibility. Let your partner figure out life if you genuinely care for their growth.

·      Stop wearing “I’m the responsible one” as a symbol of pride. It only attracts more responsibility, and if you’re truly not ready, you will lose your mind.

·      Support your partner with all you can, but gently let them know of their dominant emotions, so they know what to work on.

·      Learn to communicate what works and what doesn’t. Believe it or not, it’s needed.

·      Don’t be controlling at all. Handlers usually try to “control” a situation instead of “letting it flow.” If your partner is willingly working on themselves, help them but don’t control them.

·      Don’t think you’re better just because you can manage your emotions in a better way. Everybody requires love and support to grow.

For Danglers:

·      Know that you’re not responsible for what happens outside of you, but you’re certainly responsible for what happens within you. Identify, understand, and eliminate.

·      Stop wearing “I depend on you” as a symbol of dedication. Dependence is a bondage that hurts both ends of the rope. Try to become more independent. Two influential people make a power couple.

·      Understand that your partner will support you. If you feel otherwise, before assuming, just ask. 

·      You don’t need to lose your needs as part of this transformation. Ask for what you want but know that your partner is not entirely responsible for your happiness.

·      Know that you’re not wrong if you’re the Dangler; you’re just an evolving human being and that’s worth being proud of. Every human being needs some sort of growth.

It is essential to understand that a relationship is not a one-time event, it’s a constant happening, and it needs work at every significant step. When people say “nurture” your relationship, it means to treat it like a plant. It needs all the right ingredients at the right time consistently.

I now urge you to look at some of your past or present relationships and identify what category you belong to. Then consciously work on it for the better of yourself and your partner.

Please share your ideas for a healthy relationship in the comments section below. Thank you.

May you be blessed.

Jai Shri Hari