What if Generosity Haunts You

EMOTIONS MAKE US HUMAN. CONTEMPLATION ON EMOTIONAL ACTS MAKE US A BETTER HUMAN.

‘Emotions’ – a favourite topic for me these days.  More I contemplate on my past emotional acts, more blockages of mind get clearer and swamiji’s practical wisdom seeps into the freshly cleaned holes.

My memory is not great. Only few actions/incidents are still engraved in it, otherwise I hardly remember much…….  Today’s write up may help me further in the cleansing process.

From age 25 till 48, I used to attend a spiritual-gathering , before swamiji took me under his umbrella in 2014. The discussions were very practical, and preacher was humble and caring.  Often, I used to travel 35 kms quite  happily, just to  attend the  talk and get my batteries recharged for one month to  take on life with vigor and wisdom.

It so happened that the senior lady of the group started construction of her luxurious house. My friend who had introduced me to that group, casually mentioned it to  me. Emotions being what they are notorious for, overpowered me and immediately and quite willingly I offered a monetary help of Rs. 5 lakh. Since I was totally impressed with the genuineness of the senior lady, I knew my money is in safe hands. Here, I would share that we are not at all super-rich, rather each penny is earned with due hard work and saved because of our economical  habits – a gift of our penny-less childhood (me and my husband). 

At subconscious level I also felt that my expectations in lieu of this monetary help  will definitely be taken care of. And if my those expectations are met, I might not expect refund of this help, I told myself.

It was not charity nor was a clear cut loan since I had declined the paper work my friend had offered to sign. MutualTrust you see. I believe that anybody’s Emotions are always 24 carate  pure, and no amount of wisdom can dilute them. Wisdom and emotions are generally poles apart.
Hence no question of thinking about what I feel.

Time kept clicking, months turned to years, many major economic changes like demonetization also happened. Meanwhile, the behaviours changed, intentions changed, they changed and I also have now changed. Although I am still unable to digest such an unwelcome  change, even after about 9-10 years. How a senior level spiritual seeker can behave so irresponsibly, I still wonder.

In fragments, after a lot of very soft pursuing, only around 1 lakh was returned and rest pending with such sweet souls who, once, were more than a family to me. And, the burden on my soul is that I have been keeping this loss hidden from my immediate family.  I have stopped reminding the lady to  return the money,  as emotions have been replaced with intellect .

I feel sad to find myself deprived of those pure emotions now, the emotions that give you pleasure beyond words can tell, the emotions that keep you joyous (रसात्मक), a feeling  that gives you the sample-taste of BLISS. Same bliss we all are looking for.  It seems something DRIED completely inside me and that dryness is NOT what I relish.

Swamiji’s experienced wisdom has been a great support and working well on me. My dryness is getting transformed, bit by bit, slowly but surely.

Yet…….. at times….. some ripples here and there…. keep disturbing the still waters…. waters which are not totally still though.

Is it okay to keep remembering such incidents ? Is there any tailor made remedy to clean and clear the slate of mind? Else, let the prints take their own time to get faded and vanish?

Jai shri hari🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹