When a relationship takes a U-turn

Names are changed to protect privacy.

” If you can’t remain happy then just don’t be with me” the words echoed through the walls of the empty classroom and we all stared at her shock faced.  My coaching friend told me the plight and fight that took place a day before, this was way before the pandemic had started and I and my friend had the privilege to sit side by side in the metro and protect our privacy with whispers. Normally, I don’t intrude in people’s private lives but this was going overboard. The couple- both of them my very good friends were in deep turmoil.

I still remember the day they told us that they had confessed their feelings for one another and we went to shout it out in a bombastic way, why wouldn’t we? It was our best friends from childhood-our group finally had a couple like you see in those cushy mushy college and high school stories.

“What happened now?” I asked my friend forcing myself back to the present moment with a long sigh and prepared myself for what I might hear next. You see it’s difficult to see ardour fading between two lovely people. It makes you stop believing in happy endings. My friend had the same expression on his face and told me “They had a fight again yaar, she was upset because he was hanging around with friends too much neglecting her and his studies (he was a CA aspirant) as well and he was upset because of the constant nagging. She cried this time and it was not good, she shouted on all of his friends (our other classmates) and thankfully none of them said anything back to her. But you talk to her may be she will listen to you” .

To be honest I could not make out much, I could not take any decision based on only one side of the story but one thing we could clearly tell was that they might not last long. It wasn’t a rocket science,  they had a fight at-least thrice every week- he asks for a breakup- she requests to stay- they sort it out and fight again after a few days.My other friends were suffering due to the non ending sinuous loops. That day, Harry (name changed) came into the class with a bad temper and Helena (name changed ) looked red eyed and gloomy. A moment later, Harry looked extremely frustrated and rushed down (towards the grounds I guessed), two of our other friends went behind him and finally Helena , though looking extremely tired, went after him too. I could not leave a very important practical coaching so stayed put with Amy (name changed) to take down the notes for the rest of our group that was out there struggling to sort out the fight. A couple of minutes later Amy ‘s phone rang and she left too asking if I could take all the notes myself. I said I would.

I met them in the ground after thirty minutes or so and could tell from a very great distance that hell had broken lose. Helena was crying uncontrollably and Harry was nowhere in sight. My whole group was trying to console her.I felt like I wanted to know what had happened this time but didn’t dare to look at her eventually another friend told me “He was downright rude. She wanted to talk but he just wasn’t ready to listen, we just read their chats it’s getting abusive.She needs to end it but we don’t know how to make her see it” Whatever their issue was, I knew that no one deserves to be disrespected. 

I returned to the table and sat facing her, everyone fell silent including Helena. I will always be grateful to the respect my friends have for me and my words, they look at me as someone infallible even that is not true in the slightest sense. “Do you deserve this kind of treatment ?”, I asked her in the most loving way I could. She did not look up. I knew it was hard to even accept that the one she loved was treating her like nothing. I continued “See, when you come into a relationship in this early age then you must always have provisions for fights. It’s obvious isn’t it? When two people come together conflicts  are so common even inevitable. Our own mood changes 25 times in 24 hours then expecting the other person to have a mindset similar to us is over expecting. Conflicts need not turn into nasty fights everytime, just accept that you are two different people entitled to your opinions. But this needs an understanding conversation. You need to have someone who is ready to listen to you and respects you to give your thoughts enough time. And those chats are too much disrespect. I don’t think you should tolerate that anymore otherwise you’re gonna lose your self respect“

She tried justifying his behaviour saying that he was frustated and that might be the reason, to which I replied that I was the most short tempered person I knew (at that time I was !)  and I agree that sometimes it goes out of control but never have I ever repeated my tendencies. “Trust me it’s all about how much you respect the other person. I have slipped a few times myself but I never repeated them,  I did not want to lose my loved ones just due to this stupid tendency. If he felt that way about you he would have started treating you right by now, But because you never let go, he most probably took you for granted”

My words seem to have effected her and she finally texted him that she did not want this anymore. We were somewhat relieved to see this loop end and consoled her that everything will be alright. The next day I offered to accompany her for I felt she might be feeling lonely. But she looked better – they kind of sorted it out. “Who made the move?” I asked. She said she did. “You talked to him even after ending it yourself?” I asked again, I was a little worried about her position in the relationship now. She tried telling me that it was okay  and I said I was happy for her then.

Result? The same thing happened after a few days again and again and again. When we don’t let go of our emotional attachments at the right time, or when we keep holding on to people who hurt us we eventually stop loving ourselves, we neglect ourselves and that gives others the visa to neglect us too.When you don’t love yourself, why would someone else?. Eventually the other person starts looking at us as someone who is creepy, cringy and as someone bothering them. In a relationship as I have seen it, it’s not always 50-50, sometimes it’s 80-20. But the problem starts when one is always 80 and other always 20. Letting go of things and people who are willing to let us go is probably the best gift we can give to ourselves.

The couple eventually separated and my girl has a good job now and is enjoying her life to the fullest. She has regained her confidence and understood her worth. Sometimes letting go might turn into a blessing  !