When Friends Pull Your Trigger as You Pull Theirs

We are officially over the hump of the week, pursuing the end of what we call ‘spring break’ up here in Alaska. Spring mostly consists of an inconsistent amount various weather patterns, when snow comes to rain and when the Chinook winds don’t just rustle the new buds on the trees, but powerful enough to fold down the birch trees. 

I feel as if the shift in atmospheric pressures creates an uneasy tension within us, where we as humans are in this in-between void of the end of another long winter, recusing inside of our shells for the majority of the colder months; to having this unidentifiable itch to feel the bask of the sun again, wanting to change our momentum and eagerly awaiting the change of the seasons. 

There are profound extremes in Alaska, you can’t exactly follow your biodynamic rhythm with the earth and her curtails of awaking at sunrise and following sleep at sundown. It’s very dark and very cold for a good amount of time and then non-stop daylight and warm the rest of the time, we don’t really see a whole lot of in-between here. 

Hence, spring is a very spiritual time for us, it’s almost like a second autumn, the decay in the fall months creates a chemical titration that welcomes us to become vulnerable and reflective once again, heading into the darker months. Whereas, I feel as if spring does quite similar attributes to people’s personalities and how we operate as a society up here. We are mournful, recuse, sadness fulfills us yet we still have hope the end is almost near and a new beginning will start once again. 

I have a collective support network of friends that feel these feels all too similar with the wax and wane of our atmospheric patterns, as I do as well. It’s almost as if we are raw from the long winter months as we start to slide into summer soon enough. There are many groups of people that I have had similar relations with as well, their supportive networks often wane into spring, people see one another less often, we disconnect for longer periods of time, we sabotage whatever healing journey we may have started, spring becomes messy. Just like it is in its physical form, it’s as clear as mud, just like our psyche during these times.

My support network were able to help watch my little one yesterday as I had to attend a court session as an eye witness in a case, my friend of over 10 years, we were pregnant together, our children have grown up together and still are friends to this day (7,9,10 yr olds). So it’s always a blessing to be able to get them together and give them something neither of us as adults were able to ever have as children, a childhood friend. 

I wrapped up my court date, managed to run some errands, which were just grabbing some thank you items for my girlfriends and met up with everyone at my lovely friends house. We stayed passed dinner, there were various company that came and attended the evening with all of us as well, it was a pleasant and relaxing day all in all, until I blurted my feet before my mouth, my sense of humor hindered the evening and brought this black veil over the dinner table. 

I had triggered one of my dearest friends. I had poked a couple too many times throughout the day and had not realized that these ‘funny’ comments had created a pain inside of her. She is not ready for the sadistic sense of humor we once had together, she is still healing from her own traumas, as we all are but hers are still only just scabbed over wounds. With me having triggered her with my dark humoured jokes, she snapped at me as she once did a few months ago (I poured edible glitter on a cake she had made me) and within these moments, my heart felt like it broke into a million pieces.

Unknowingly did I not only hurt a very reliable human being within my social network but I triggered them beyond all else. Each of these times that this lovely being snapped back at me to set their boundaries securely and obviously to protect themselves; I held back my tears where it felt like a golf ball in my throat. Just as it did when I was a child. When you feel someone else’s pain so deeply and a ‘I am so sorry’ does not suffice, when you yourself are also hurting and triggered by someone raising their voice at you, it becomes toxic bag of trauma in reverse. 

I don’t believe I have ever had to endure a relationship like this and with that being said, I feel that in the reflectiveness of it all that perhaps this is a huge building block in our survival together/apart but also a part of our own healing journeys in their own shape. If we can only trigger one another on these levels, then there is something to be said about this. We must use one another to heal those of which we are pulling the scabs off each time, to celebrate giving one another a band-aid and create a space for acceptance that perhaps this is how it is in this period of our relationship. 

We both have sincere trust issues that have arisen without consent in the recent months, perhaps that is apart of our journey together.