Will This Depression Kill Me?

Namaste to all the Devine selves,

I, Biswa, am going through a tormenting phase of life.

To understand details, let’s flash back to my childhood. At the very tender age of 7, I had started having a sinking feeling at my heart. As I am doomed, I remained wanderer almost from that time. At the age of 16, my parents showed me to a Psychiatrist.

He prescribed very mild dose of SSRI drug. I am not total dull, but very much nervous & a big self-doubter. Several times I thought of getting rid of the drug. But my mind will trick me if I go without it, I will feel low. I completed my 1oth with 93%, Inter with 82% & even BSc & MSc (Phy) with 80%. Yes, I have a Masters’ degree in Physics. And all theses with the gloomy feeling ever through my life. I never thought of doing anything in life. I never thought that I would ever get a job in my life owing to my low self esteem & full of self doubts.

But I got a job in one of the Public Sector Undertakings in India. I was still on the SSRI drug, but with a different composition. I felt happy that I got a job. I got married to a very loving wife who loves me more than herself in 2009. She is a god’s gift to me. I thought I am out of the gloomy life. But lightening struck & I fell into an episode of low phase bout. After that we consulted a psychiatrist who wrote some another category of SSRI (Esmood). After a week or 2 I felt as if I am back. I was happy & joyful. This happened in late 2010. In 2011, on 29th Sep We were blessed with a boy Sahil.

He is very talented and mentally strong like his mother. My wife is synonymous with the word “STRENGTH”. She never gives up anything how hard may it be. But I am opposite to her. I remain calm and happy until everything around me is nice and funny. My work profile is making instruments & supplying. I remain a friend of me till I am successful in my work. A little failure what so ever throws me out of gear.

I suddenly become silent. Shutters down. No hope. Such a situation happened in 2016. I was again in the pit. I lost control & ran to the Psychiatrist. He changed the medicine & put me on another SSRI. In a month, I recovered. But I was a big fool to think that I am out of the pit & will not land in it again. But in 2020, in the month of August, when I was hit by another failure, I was devastated. I had never had any troubled relationship. Sahil is now 9. He is staying at home alone & intelligently doing on-line classes. He, like his mummy, is a lover of music. He plays Keyboard & that to very nicely. He remains happy from within, manages himself very well. Family wise I have absolutely no problem. They are backing me very strongly.

But I am still in the pit. I am daily fighting with my self to even attend office. This time I went to the Psychiatrist & he told me that I am in depression this time. He has put me on anti depressant, with various doses. But this time, I am not able to get out of it. Some of the instruments which I supplied, are failing regularly. I am not able to concentrate in Office. I am feeling like a looser. My digestion is affected, I always have a low mood. I have lost hopes of my recovery. But my wife & son have not left hope. My son daily hopes that I will be normal & will play with him as in past. My wife still loves me with same intensity.

My boss is also very empathetic. She is supporting me & convincing me that I will come out. But this time wherever I see, I am finding myself in mess. From starting, I was not very organized. I was unsystematic & always under a fear of my own mind. After 13 years of my service, I am completely in mess. I feel like a looser. Since last 3 months, I have been struggling to carry out day-to-day activity both on personal & professional front.

I am remaining sad most of the time. I have lost the life force or the drive which moves life forward. I am stressed, anxious and lost interest in virtually everything. Constantly, I am having acidity problem with very bad digestion, tingling sensation in my hands & feet. I am loosing the real me. Only Scientifically, I am alive, my mind is not letting me live peacefully, it is constantly chattering, I am feeling weak, energy-less, my body is trembling and shaking at times.

Oh, divine souls, please lift me up for once and all. I want to lead a normal life. I want to be happy and joyful for ever. Yes, I have made mistakes. But show me the way out…

a desperate soul…