Workplace Bullying - Yeah It's a Thing! in My Story

Bullying happens at work too. Do not stand for it. I was bullied in school and in college. That’s ok. What doesn’t kill you …..well you know the rest! The shocking thing for me was the same thing happened at work and that too after I had already been working for 7-8 years so wasn’t exactly a newbie. It made me realise work place is just another “Mean Girls/Boys” movie. #GenderEquality!

Long story short is I joined my dream company and one of my colleagues who was 30+ yrs older to me started bullying me. It was very subtle at first. Every morning would start with a call from her discussing my work the previous day and telling me how I could have done better. Now that is awesome if someone does it nicely but no, this critique included gems like ‘you are so disappointing”, ‘you are so frustrating’, ‘you are so annoying’ etc. Mind you, I was brand new to this specific kind of work so while I had some basic knowledge on it, I have never actually done this work before. It was a new environment and I was keeping quiet while I learnt the ropes. Initially I put up with the nonsense, because this person was the only one who could show me how to do the work but then as months passed by, I never called her out on any of it and it kept on getting worse. Just like that two years had passed before I had enough and changed things. Don’t worry the bully is still alive and totally not buried in a random forest in Himachal, opposite side of river Ganga under a large oak tree.

Just kidding – we are not even on the same continent anymore ! 🙂 Relax ! Here let me tell a joke to lighten the mood: “I just stepped on a cornflake. Now I am officially a cereal killer.” There, I hope you feel better. (source: randomly googled jokes on serial killers. This was the funniest entry.)

Now before we start let’s discuss what is a joke? I did try to google it but the definition did not give me the satisfaction that usually comes with ‘googling’. So this is my definition after pondering on what constitutes a joke for more than a decade. Yes, there is a story behind what prompted this priceless, Nobel price winning research. Un-shockingly and quiet boringly, it was due to high school and college bullying.

Anyway back to-what is a joke? A joke is something that a person says to make others laugh based on a situation or something about themselves.

‘Not-A-Joke’ – this is a new word I have come up with. (I AM expecting a Nobel prize in literature any day now and yes I understand considering the boring, obvious name, innovation might not be my thing). Not-A-Joke: This is something a person says to make others laugh at the expense of someone else, most probably you.

Why is this important? Because a grown up bullying is different from school/college bullying. School/college bullying is more pure, unadulterated and more ‘in your face’. Grown-up bullying is more subtle. Its more sarcasm and bull-nonsense, served in a crap sandwich.

Anytime my bully was disrespectful to me in front of other team members and I objected, I was told the beautiful line ‘Gosh grow up! Learn to take a joke.’ Well-NO! I will not learn to take a joke at my own expense while being insulted. Honestly I have a very high tolerance on taking insults. Nothing to brag about, just telling how it is. (thank God ! I finally found something to be grateful to my HS bullies for.) But at some point there was a last straw that broke the camels back. (Checkout PS for the ‘last straw’ Warning: it’s not pretty!)

So me finally standing up for myself obviously meant I don’t have a sense of humour or don’t know how to take a joke. Meh…. so be it. I was perfectly fine being that boring, ignorant, unfunny, dull, mundane, lifeless robot who was born without a funny bone. We can’t all be perfect!

But seriously, this is a grave issue. I want to call out some things from my perspective and things I learnt from my work …. Umm ‘adventures’ (all of these are not directly related to bullying but helped me make changes and have a good professional work environment):

When you come across a bully, shut it down on Day 1 else it will continue. You know Newton’s first law – a thing in motion will stay in motion etc …. Constructive criticism helps you learn and improve yourself. But learn to identify the difference between the constructive criticism and unnecessary verbal abuse.
Pay close attention to what signal your behaviour is sending. When someone puts you down, don’t join in the laugh or show you are ok with it while dying inside. Be stoic and calm and move the topic away from the disrespectful statement and have a private conversation with the bully and tell them how it made you feel. In the ‘adult world’ bullies usually don’t have a ‘pack’ to protect them. It’s the big bad professional world after all. Hence bullies are very scared of being called out on it and therefore will work harder to rectify the issue. I.e. they will hide it better. Take that as a win!
Constructive feedback is fantastic. It helps you grow and improve. Take it in your stride. Learn from it and get better.
Don’t be scared of saying you don’t know something but then work hard to learn it and become the best in that topic.
Nothing wrong in making mistakes. Don’t sweat it and at the same time make sure not to repeat the same mistake twice. Make new ones instead 🙂 It’s more fun anyway!
One of the skills that helped me immensely was an ability, especially in a new job, to learn very fast who or which team has expertise in what. It is not about knowing everything but having the ability to find answers, FAST! And in the professional world one of the best way to do this is to go to the experts. Most people in work place are good and love sharing their knowledge. It makes them feel valued, as it should!
Sharing your knowledge is the ONLY sure shot way to increase it. You alone will never have enough time or enough strength or enough resources to learn everything yourself. When you share your knowledge with others and become VERY invested in making others successful, you will gain some amazing friends not to mention experts willing to help you when needed.
I am going to repeat above line because it is THAT important: In your professional life become VERY invested in making others around you successful by sharing your knowledge and helping others. Please trust me on this ! This will be the single most important thing you do in your career.
It is ok to not have everyone like you in the workplace. It is ok to not show up to every single office party or outing. Get over the FOMO. It’s a waste of time. Your work ethics, handwork and point 7/8 is what will help you gain respect of your peers in the long run.
And lastly – some places are just toxic and expecting respect from peers in these places is a fruitless effort. If working in a place is impacting your mental health, find another job. Please don’t stay in it for a long time thinking it will get better because remember Newton’s first law. Put your mental health above all. Staying in a toxic place will hurt you in the long term, sometimes it’s just not worth it. Some people will always be the Monday’s of our lives!

A small request to all the budding would be bullies who just don’t know they are bullies, YET:-

Please be kind and compassionate to your peers and if you are in a management position, to your subordinates. Saying negative things, calling people stupid, frustrating, ignorant and incompetent (no matter how bad they have messed up), is just not productive. It truly demoralises resources and is very counter productive and a recipe for a disaster.

If you are a manager/director/VP – please pay attention to your team. Just getting the job done and cranking out deliverables to the client is not enough. If a team member complains of bullying, don’t sweep it under the rug and tell them to grow up just because the bully is a very productive resource. This inspires me to define what is a great resource because obviously this post is not long enough yet: One who is good at their job AND are able to elevate others around them and produce 1 or 2 same caliber resources.

This list is brought to you by my pondering on my 17 years of mistakes, sorry I meant ‘work experience’. Some grave, some humbling, some funny and some ‘lessons learnt’. During these years I gained some fantastic friends, some annoying acquaintances (did not want to say enemies because come on what is this – Ekta Kapoor’s saas bahu drama??) and obviously a couple of bullies.

In the end – it’s ok. Sometimes people just act crazy. And when things go really bad, remember, during COVID-the biggest/scariest two years of our lives, in most ‘developed’ countries when the survival instinct kicked in, the first thing people grabbed was – the toilet paper ! (as read on internet!)

That is the world we live in 😀

Breathe – it all good! 🙂

PS: the straw that broke the camels back was a realisation. I noticed that after being bullied for 2 years I had started becoming one myself. By Divine’s grace I did not use foul language BUT had started becoming mean and being short with my subordinates when they made mistakes. I truly regret making some people feel less than what their beautiful divine self was. With this post, I ask their forgiveness and Divine’s grace to never ever let me become the person who would hurt others intentionally or otherwise.

-Dedicated to Divine Mother and His lotus feet

Your ignorant fool

Mental Health Personal Crisis Professional