Divine and Devotion

Sitting on my Sadhana asan, I stared at the screen in disbelief. This was the first time I was doing Sri Suktam and I had heard that the mantras were tough but did not expect them to be this tough! I could hardly pronounce it. The last time, I did not even get a chance to look at the mantra and the credit goes to my then ongoing project that had managed to keep me busy 15 hours a day but this time I was relatively free and wanted to start a new sadhana anyway.

Coming back to my disbelief, at the time I wasn’t sure that how I was going to chant such long mantras and most importantly how I was going to sit for one hour in the evening and almost 1.5 hours in the morning. Forget sitting for 1.5 hours, I was afraid about waking up on time. But anyway, now that I had sat on my asan, there was no option of turning back, that has been my rule. The first day japa started and after a few recitations I got the hang of it, after which it felt easy. I got pretty satisfied and proud of myself even though I should not have because going through the mantras before starting the sadhana and doing a mock is pretty much non-negotiable if you want to be properly prepared. But anyway, I got up and scrolled through the screen and boom! another shocker. There was a different mantra for all sixteen nights. I had just gotten the hang of this one! I tried to read out the mantra but I could not do it alone, I needed swami’s voice to chant along.

That night I could not sleep. After finishing the mantra chanting at 1 am, I got caught up with some other things till 4 am and then woke up fifty minutes later for the the first Yagna. Now here is the interesting part, I was kind of nervous on how I will be able to sit for 90 minutes but those 90 minutes passed like 9 seconds. Swami was so engaging that I could not take my eyes off the screen for a minute. A million gratitude and thanks to the entire VSF team for making it happen. Commendable job, really. When I got up after 90 minutes, I knew that time was not going to be problem. And instead of being afraid of it, I started looking forward to it every morning.  Starting the day, early in the morning with our Guru’s fabulous voice when everything else is so peaceful and quiet is a blessing. 

Fast forward, to the 9th day i.e., today, by grace it’s going smoothly. I write down the mantra beforehand and practice a little bit but the entire credit goes to our Guru for making this intense sadhana considerably easier. A few things were surprising to me, one of them being, instead of getting a back pain, by day 7, I could comfortably sit still and straight during the entire duration of the Yagna and was also able to focus much better. The last Sadhana I undertook was a 40-day sadhana in December and the results on my consciousness were amazing. Although I did not spend much time there, wanted to keep it easy for I had to go on for 40 days. But as the the post sadhana result, my inner strength grew multi-fold. 

Sadhanas always make me feel warm. It’s my way of expressing my love for my bhagwan and my heart rejoices knowing that we have some determined private time together every day, as I always say, Love is devotion. We cannot be truly devoted to someone without being in love with them and sadhana, for me, is just a way of loving my god and feeling connected to them. Mantras are a sonic representation of our Isht. And whenever I chant, I feel like, life can throw a thousand arrows at me but I won’t be dealing with them alone. Faith gives us a feeling of warmth and oneness.

Coming from a dysfunctional family and after being in denial for so long, I have started accepting that being vulnerable is not a bad thing and it’s okay to be so. But when you are dealing with such an environment on a daily basis, you exhaust yourself pretty easily because a lot of your energy is consumed in keeping away and in dealing with the negativity. But it is his grace, that I have never turned to anything else other than him for support. My Ishta and my sadhana, are the drugs I am addicted to. And he keeps me reminding that this time will pass. There are days when I am completely exhausted and tired due to all the negativity and non-supportive environment but he makes it go away in seconds. My friends are still very much baffled on how can I be so sure about not needing a “husband” but you see, he set the bars too high 😛 about what love should feel like. And the rest, is his will.

One of the four things that I say to bhagwan every day is, “Whatever I had, I have and will have, is always, surrendered at your feet” and that includes my ego. It has helped me big time in not taking things personally because I avoid self-identification as much as possible. It still happens sometimes when things get intense, but most of the times, I am able to let it go and go back to being my normal self pretty fast. That being said, whenever I am upset, he makes it rain, without a miss. Romantic rainy weather is our thing! and because I was stressed for a past few days, today is a very cosy  rainy day *That’s just me being childish I haven’t gone cuckoo 😛 * and I am going to go enjoy with a coffee and Chocolate Croissant

Those who are in Delhi, please come out of your homes and enjoy his blessings! 😉

Har Har Mahadev!