For the Child Who Has Gone

How do I tell you

What you meant for me…

More than a life I created

More than a thought I expressed.

You were born of Love

You were made of Love

But love perhaps is not all you wanted.

You were a toy

We had built together…

You were a creature

Born out of our desires.

Or so is what we thought.

Rather it was me who thought so…

Your mother always said

The child chooses the parent

I was too full of myself

To acknowledge your own identity.

You will be a happy addition 

To the family 

Is what I thought.

I was more motherly

Than you mother was… 

But this is what I wanted to be

A dad – with a strong feminine instinct.

The day you arrived

And the day you left

Were the same.

Your mother accepted

Your decision

With much pain.

I did not.

I could not.

After you left,

We welcomed two more souls…

None of their arrivals

Gave me as much joy 

As you did.

But you are here, no more.

In whichever world you are

Always remember

You are my favorite child.

You made me realize

I was nothing but a child myself

A child trapped in adult body

A child driven by desire and greed.

With each passing year

I don’t look for the adult in me

Rather I understand the child I am

The naughty, yet subdued kid.

The kid who wants love and acknowledgment

The kid who wants his first toy back.